Recipes of the Damned, Volume I

As found on page 69 of the Pine to Prairie Telephone Pioneers of America Cookbook, circa 1981.

MOCK CHICKEN SALAD
7 lb. pork shoulder, cooked and cut into small cubes

WHAT THE-

[rubs eyes, checks vision. Looks again]

7 lb. veal shoulder, cooked and cut into small cubes

WHAT THE...WHAT THE HELL ARE FOURTEEN POUNDS OF PORK AND VEAL DOING IN MY CHICKEN SALAD????????????????

1 c. French dressing

8 c. apples, cored, cut into cubes

8 c. chopped celery

1 ½ c. ripe olives, chopped

3 c. salad dressing

¼ c. (2 lemons) lemon juice

½ tsp. thyme

2 Tbsp. salt

Pour French dressing over meat. Mix thoroughly until each piece is coated. Let stand in refrigerator at least 2 hours to blend flavors. Add apples, celery, and olives to meat. Combine salad dressing, lemon juice, thyme and salt. Pour over mixture. Stir lightly to blend. Keep salad in refrigerator until ready to serve. Serve on crisp lettuce or other salad greens. Yield: 50 servings (¾ cup per serving).

This is a joke, right? This person is kidding? RIGHT? Because I'm not sure I want to live in a world where this meal exists. Like your wrist and your elbow, apples and olives should never meet. And why not just call it Pork-n-Veal McMeaty Meatpile with Saucy Salad Dressing Surprise if that's what it is? Don't overdo the thyme, Nellie...we don't want it SPICY! Remember that time you added that extra pinch of marjoram and Pastor Aasgaard's wife had a coughing fit and burst her girdle? There were CHILDREN present, Nellie! Think about the children!

You know what this recipe makes me want to do? It makes me want to punch a farmer. Logical? No...but neither is calling a dish made of pork and veal MOCK CHICKEN SALAD.

That is all.