Monday, November 14, 2011

Recipes of the Damned, Volume IV: Poor Man's Apple Crisp. A cautionary tale.

From the Family of God Lutheran Church Cookbook, circa 1984.

5 cups zucchini

[Sprays a geyser of Coke Zero all over recipe book, coffee table, and freshly laundered clothing. Swears, grabs a fistful of paper towels. Cleans up. Continues.]

1 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
¼ cup lemon juice
¾ cup water

Okaaaayyy.... [Raises eyebrow, looks dubious.]

Slice zucchini and cut away seed.

[Hands over ears.] Nah nah nah nah, I can't hear you!

Cook until tender 15 minutes.

[Hands over ears.] NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH!

Will be juicy, poor [sic] into 9” pan.


1 cup flour
6 tablespoons soft margarine
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt

Well...okay. Alright. [Tents fingers.] I'm listening....

Mix well, sprinkle over cooked zucchini.

Aaaand you've lost me.

Bake 45 minutes at 350ยบ.

You know what, why don't you go ahead and skip that “baking” step.* I've got a better idea:

I get that zucchini is one of those things that is traditionally hidden in other things. I've tried zucchini bread, but I have absolutely no paradigm for what zucchini actually tastes like, I just remember that it's green. I'm pretty sure it's spongy. It's like a spongy cucumber that isn't an eggplant. What is the point of its continued existence? We should eradicate it like polio! Don't American children deserve to walk limp-free and eat desserts that aren't savory? THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN.

Jeremy just peered over my shoulder, grimaced, and asked “Is this from the same f*cker that submitted the recipe for Mock Chicken Salad?” He then went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Moments later, he stuck his head into the hallway--toothbrush in midair--and said, foamily, “If you sherved that to a sheven year old, they'd shtart wetting their bed in protesht.” A moment later I heard him spit, then call, “You know what? Scratch that. They'd start wetting your bed.”

And you'd only have yourself to blame.

*Unless you truly plan to eat this, in which case you'll want to add a "getting baked" step.